I try not to display my troubles & frustrations. but I need prayers.
I am learning more and more what it means to be in complete surrender to God.
I dont understand why things are the way they are right now. I don't know why there is no communication. Why I am feeling that I am not being used. How I yearn to be in community everyday with those around me yet something is holding me back.
(december is not as safe for us americans to go out in general by ourselves so that sucks)
Just about 2 seconds ago I broke down. with tears streaming from my face I don't know what God is using me for. What He has me here for.
My bible is open in front of me right now and i read this. so this is what I am going to leave with.
The heavens proclaim the glory of God.
The skies display his craftsmanship.
Day after day they continue to speak;
night after night they make him known.
They speak without a sound or word;
their voice is never heard.[a]
Yet their message has gone throughout the earth,
and their words to all the world.
The skies display his craftsmanship.
Day after day they continue to speak;
night after night they make him known.
They speak without a sound or word;
their voice is never heard.[a]
Yet their message has gone throughout the earth,
and their words to all the world.
God has made a home in the heavens for the sun.
It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding.
It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race.
The sun rises at one end of the heavens
and follows its course to the other end.
Nothing can hide from its heat.
It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding.
It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race.
The sun rises at one end of the heavens
and follows its course to the other end.
Nothing can hide from its heat.
The instructions of the Lord are perfect,
reviving the soul.
The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The commandments of the Lord are right,
bringing joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are clear,
giving insight for living.
Reverence for the Lord is pure,
lasting forever.
The laws of the Lord are true;
each one is fair.
They are more desirable than gold,
even the finest gold.
They are sweeter than honey,
even honey dripping from the comb.
They are a warning to your servant,
a great reward for those who obey them.
reviving the soul.
The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy,
making wise the simple.
The commandments of the Lord are right,
bringing joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are clear,
giving insight for living.
Reverence for the Lord is pure,
lasting forever.
The laws of the Lord are true;
each one is fair.
They are more desirable than gold,
even the finest gold.
They are sweeter than honey,
even honey dripping from the comb.
They are a warning to your servant,
a great reward for those who obey them.
How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.
Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
and innocent of great sin.
May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.
HOW AMAZING IS OUR GOD. seriously. Thank you Lord for reminding me that you are always standing right beside me. That you will make things clear even though i have no clue what that is going to look like. That these tears are okay. It showing me that our relationship is growing more and more. THat i need YOU more and more everyday in everyday. I can open up and be vulnerable even though we are told to be strong. God I am not strong. I am weak. I yearn to be vulnerable in ways where I am scared to let that part of me show because its in those moments where I hold on to you and I hear your whisper telling me everything is under control and I will be alright. I don't know why I am in this house but i know that i am learning what that immense love that God has for me feels like and to be able to show others around me better. USE ME FATHER. but continue to break me down.
well now I'm going on a motorcycle ride to a friends house : )
In Christs Love
E
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