that the goal in life,
the race.
is to the alter.
to find "the one" and live a happily life ever after.
that our happiness, joy and contentment will only be achieved after we
"meet our prince"
our purpose.
that we will only be fulfilled until that moment we say "i do"
Its been sitting in the crevices of my heart.
that were created from past hurt.
past relationships that were unhealthy.
the only relationships I have ever had with men. unhealthy.
those statements that society.
better yet, the Church, have breathed into those places.
and has caused so much rot in my heart.
those lies have become hard to separate from the truth.
From the truth that God did not create me.
OR ANY WOMAN.
just to become a wife and mother.
Not saying that its bad if that is the season you find yourself in.
but more importantly.
That we have purpose.
KINGDOM PURPOSE.
yes, my heart so so so desires to be married and have lots of babies.
but I am learning to not place all my worth and identity in those titles.
Wife & Mother.
But I am retraining my mind to put my worth in my true identity.
Daughter of God.
That I am first to love Him.
and second, His children, my brothers and sister in Christ.
Again, YES oh my goodness yes I cant wait to get married.
I cant wait to experience pregnancy and birth and motherhood.
Because that is the world God has called me to serve in.
and HOLY HELL its flipping hard to always be surrounded by it.
and not have it for myself.
my eyes well up with tears almost everyday, sometimes multiple times.
when I see precious little hearts, and think about the day when I am holding my own.
how my heart rips at the thought of loving my own babes so fiercely.
To tell women I am single,
and I get that pitty vibe with the,
"oh your husband he is out there, you will find him when your not looking."
okay thank you.
but please, if I hear that one more time...
that DOESN'T HELP.
cause lets be honest.
when are you ever NOT looking for a husband, single ladies?
its every man you see and the question pops into your mind.
oh maybe he is the one?
I have learned that I have instantly linked not being pursued by a man,
to not being wanted.
I met a nice guy,
an amazing guy with such great qualities.
and most importantly,
His tangible love & pursuit for Gods heart.
which, my "list" has evolved over the years.
and gotten very very short...
to maybe two must haves.
1. He must be in a passionate, overwhelming & reckless relationship with God.
2. Desire to have a handful of children, biologic & adopted.
That is pretty much what my heart craves in a man.
I mean of course I would love him to lift weights with me && adventure around this world with me.
But my heart craves the intimacy with a man who craves intimacy with our Creator first.
So yeah,
say I have come across a few in my lifetime.
which hmm a few.
I really, honestly mean a few.
(may I remind you that I have been single for 9 years, which feels like eternity but have experienced such beauty in those 9 years)
And as women, of course our hearts yearn for a wild pursuit from a man.
Its what we have been taught, deemed "right" and the way we were created to find relationship.
okay, I am having the hardest time with this.
Because its 2018, things have changed. MEN have changed.
WE have changed. The way things are done, its not the old fashioned way anymore.
Women, we have put such unrealistic expectations on men that there is no way they will ever be able to be/do.
I believe this is why men are not putting themselves out there,
because of the rejection they will get before they cross the starting line.
It hurts to be not wanted... ahem I know this feeling all to well.
So since I have never been pursued by a man.
In a healthy, God desired way.
I feel unwanted.
Undesired.
I start believing lies that I am not enough for a man.
Especially a Christian man.
That there surely must me something wrong with me that God still needs to fix.
There is more growth & maturation that needs to be cultivated in my heart.
Before I meet my future husband.
okay. BS.
Yeah, no, this thinking is not okay.
Cause who can honestly put their hands up in the air and say they were exactly the person they wanted to be when they said their "i do's" at the alter.
GOD IS ALWAYS MOLDING US.
He is always growing, refining, pruning && healing us.
THIS NEVER STOPS.
so why do I keep telling myself,
"oh there must be something else God desires to do in me before I am ready to be in a relationship"
I am pretty sure I have done a whole heck of a lot over the last 9 years.
Healing is hard. and exhausting.
Doing what God wants is not always the easiest or most glamorous.
But putting my wants and desires to be a wife and mom on the back burner.
For pursuing Kingdom work.
That is life giving & filled with so much joy.
Because essentially that is the reason we were created.
To represent God's kindness & love.
To help bridge that gap of Heaven & earth.
God didn't create me to only get married.
But to represent His heart to His lost sheep.
Cause I was one at a point in my life.
GOD pursued me when I felt worthless.
He chased me down when I was walking on a narrow, deathly path.
The Light of the world illuminated my heart when I was in an inescapable darkness.
Please Jesus, remind me of this everyday when I am feeling unwanted.
Women, all you single women.
Let me bring up a question.
Why do we have to sit around and... wait... for a man to approach us?
Why has this world, more specifically, the Church
put this expectation that its a mans job only.
Yeah well I am pretty sure that if there is a person I desire to get to know,
a relationship I think would be influential in my life.
That I am fully capable,
to pursue that.
Why can't we pursue healthy conversations?
Why can't we uncover the reality that men want to be pursued just as much as women do?
can I give us permission to do that?
cause I sure as hell would like to & not feel ashamed that I want to be the one who plans coffee dates just because my heart so deeply desires to connect in a healthy, God honoring way in the form of a conversation with a man.
This whole "perfect picture"
that the dating world has sketched,
I so so so badly want to erase some lines and put in my own.
call me selfish or stubborn.
But I am an independent, strong & confident woman because of God.
So if I am to do this, I have God in my corner.
and I believe that my man will not be intimidated by a woman who stands firm in this understanding
of who she is and nothing will change this heart of pursuing Gods calling on my life.
I am comfortable being single.
Because I am able to pour out my heart into what God has put before me.
But that doesn't mean I don't cry on the daily over the thought of never getting married.
or why the heck I don't get asked out on dates.
Since I have had so many people tell me.
"oh I can't believe a guy hasn't snatched you up yet"
believe me, I ask the same thing.
Or that I need to look this way or do this thing.
did I say something wrong?
Do I need to pretend I am someone I am not just to catch his eye.
After 27 years, I can confidently say that I love who Jesus has created me to be.
I love the way He has been molding and forming my heart,
to be the woman He wrote in His book.
Whom He thought up in my mothers womb.
Without influence of this fallen world.
I love the joy that flows from my heart.
The desire to serve.
To bless & encourage those around me.
My craving for healthy, yummy colorful food to nourish my body.
That I am not scared to have muscle, and lift more then a man.
I love my butt & legs.
I cherish my thick long hair, even though I do nothing fancy with it.
I love how awkward I am sometimes.
It makes me feel good to laugh at myself knowing I am nowhere near perfect.
and I will never be nor want to be.
I love the way God has allowed me to experience life overseas.
How He has chiseled my heart, fine tuning its calling in this world.
Maybe we need to stop thinking of everything we are not.
those things that WE THINK make us undesirable, unwanted or un-pursuable.
and wake up every morning.
Giving God thanks and praises for who He has made us to be.
and who is is continuing to make us into.
Loving ourselves wholeheartedly.
breaking the chains of lies & expectations that are suffocating our heart.
Finding the joy in that, the joy in us.
Reminding us this life is one short adventure & there is so much out there for us.
All I know is I am going to do this.
I want to form this habit.
So when I do have my baby girl (Lord desired)
I can instill this value in her.
She can witness it tangibly.
Cause I do not want her to experience and go through all this that I have/am.
I want her to know, without a doubt.
Where her identity is found.
In God.
Who cherishes her, desires her and pursues her more than anyone.
Her Heavenly Father.
I guess I could say lots more.
and most likely I will in the coming weeks.
but the whole thing that spurred these emotions.
Is yes, I did meet a man who is so wonderful & in love with Jesus.
it was just one time,but it was oh so refreshing.
and maybe he will read this.
most likely he wont.
But even if he does.
I am grateful for the conversation that was held over that picnic table.
devouring brisket.
cause it did something in my heart.
It allowed me to wonder down this road that is so broken in my life.
showing me that I am wanted.
Cause God wanted that moment for me to experience.
Reminding me that there are amazing men out there.
In the same boat that I am floating in.
DATING SUCKS.
But reminding myself.
That just because he hasn't gave me any inclination that I will ever see him again.
its okay to be hurt, cry a bit over the fool I may or may not have made myself out to be.
That I am human, a woman and my desires to be loved, married & pursued very real.
But that its not my identity.
That just because he hasn't saught future conversation with me.
it doesn't mean I am unwanted or unworthy of being pursued.
(he is just missing out, lets be honest)
It means that God is good, so good to me.
to let my heart have that moment.
To feel His love gently sweep through the deep caverns of my heart.
reminding me of his provisions over my life & how He has guarded me over the years.
even though it kinda wrecked me, made me angry.
cause I was just fine.
But it reignited this desire to pursue healthy conversation.
and reminded me of how much I have grown since I was that stupid girl running around with that stupid boy in high school .
To change the way my mind is telling me to just sit and wait until prince charming knocks on my door.
Sorry but I am not that woman.
I love a good pursuit.
I love getting to know people, pouring my heart into people, being a person someone trusts to be raw with.
So anywho.
To all you single ladies craving the spooning that we all do.
Its okay to yearn.
Its okay to be pursued.
but its also okay to pursue.
Its okay to desire a husband.
but break off the lie that our lives are going to be perfect after the alter.
that is not the climax of our story.
nor should it ever be.
lets run towards the truth of our identity.
your wanted.
and definitely loved.
flaws and all.
Its okay to grieve over a broken heart.
Its totally fine to be angry with God when yet another friend gets engaged.
Singleness is not a burden.
its the ability to love people in the place they find themselves in.
Its the abandonment of expectations.
To pour ourselves into building the Kingdom.
In whatever way God has called you to do.
Our lives are to be filled with joy always.
not just when we are married we will find it.
See it in yourself, your environment & those you live in community with.
maybe to be continued....
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