bitter.

Didn't know if I should write this blog or not. 
but I want to be honest with my emotions. or the confusion of emotions that I am feeling or not feeling. 

I have less then a week left in Haiti. 
This sunday was Haitian mothers day. 
I had SUCH a bitter attitude. 

I don't want to move across the world. 
I don't want to pick my life up again when I desire to build community here in Haiti. 
I don't want to face the fact that what I desire, more then anything, is to be a wife & mother and that is not going to happen anytime soon. 
I don't want to go out of my box and do things that I have no clue about. 

I want a "normal" life. 

yet I laugh when I think what is really normal? 

I honestly don't want a normal life, that doesn't fit me when I think about where I have been and what I have gone through.

I have NEVER done anything normal. So why start now?

I want to live on the edge, learn new things about myself & this world, new cultures, new cities, new relationships. 

Rely fully on Christ. 

THAT excites me. That makes me want to NEVER settle down and to continue to expand my knowledge of this world and life with Christ at the center. 

With that bitterness I felt such an immense joy and peace in knowing that I really am following the Lord and what He desires for my life. 
because I would have never chosen this for me. never desired this for my life. 

He knows what He is doing. This I feel is learning to be selfless. To desire what God wants for my life & how He plans to use me. 

NOT what I think I want or is best for my life. 
( looking back whenever I thought what was right for me clearly wasn't in His cards) 

I am learning what it really means to "die to self"
Giving up control. Letting go. Living. 

"And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Luke 9:23-24

I followed Him to Australia, Haiti, now to the Philippines. 
My life is in His hands, I honestly hope that He will bring me to many other places in my future. 


{{ For school I am reading a book about a little Hmong girl who has epilepsy. I am learning about a whole new culture through each page. 
These words caught me. This is the little girls mothers answer when asked if she missed Loas ( They were relocated to Merced, California) 

" When you think about Loas and about not having enough food and those dirty and torn-up clothes, you don't want to think. Here is a great country. You are comfortable. You have something to eat. But you don't speak the language. You depend on other people for welfare. If they don't give you money you can't eat, and you would die of hunger. What I miss in Loas is that free spirit, doing what you want to do. You own your own fields, your own rice, your own plants, your own fruit trees. I miss that feeling of freeness. I miss having something that really belongs to me." 
                            The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down - Anne Fadiman }}




To me. "having something that really belongs to me" is midwifery. It is something that I can be proud of. It is a way for me to serve others while glorifying God for Him desiring this set of skills for my life. 

The freedom is being open to change in my life, seeking God and His plans. Freedom to make my own choices or seek out Gods. To see my life change in how I choose things and how I pursue finding God's perfect path, not mine. 

My relationship with God. Making mistakes, learning from them and the free gift of grace. 

My heart beats with pure joy. 

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." John 12:24

People ask if I am ready to come home. If I will miss Haiti. 

Yes, I will miss Haiti. But Yes, I am ready to see my family, my friends, for organization. I am burnt out from Haiti, not because I have been busy because honestly I haven't been. That is exactly what I am burnt out from.

Not having something to put all my energy, passion & focus towards. 

These last 6 months I would describe them as immense growth in my relationship with God. To understand what it means to follow Him. Learning to truly pursue & fall in love with the Creator of this world. A time that God wanted to capture all my attention, healing from past hurt, being lost & confusion. Opening my eyes to what He wants for my life and how I am to get there. 

A time to fall truly, deeply, madly in love. 


"Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6

I am thankful for this life. For Haiti. For family. For forgiveness. For growth. For adventure. For relationships. For time. For education. For memories. For travel. For cultures. For missions. For freedom. For relentless love. 

>>>> USA. I will see you next monday. <<<<




In Christ's Love
Emily Elizabeth