fearing hope.

ever been one to hope for something.
yearn.
wait with anticipation.
ask.
and not receive.
for days.
months.
years.

Here I am,
with my hand raised high.
the fear I woke up with this morning.
the heaviness on my chest.
the tears in my eyes.
feeling like I am on the edge of a cliff.
falling into it would be to be hoping again.
for something good.
something my heart desires.
to let fully go of this box I have placed my heart in.

meaning trusting Jesus.

I know God is good.
He has done things in my life I take no credit for.
incredible adventures I never imagined.

"ask and you will receive"
Is one of the hardest verses for me.

cause I have asked.
for my hyperhydrosis to be healed.
my heart to be loved.
to be a midwife again.
to find a rhythm of health.
my body to replicate what I put into it.

Yet all of those,
those desires.
those questions.
those heavy things that weigh my life down.
are still yet to be answered.
pouring them out daily.
letting the tears flow in surrender.
not knowing what else to do.

asking myself am I sincere enough for Him to listen?
am I being selfish?
is my heart in the right place?
is it lined up with His heart?

I am scared to hope,
because I don't know how much more
heartbreak my heart can handle.
I am becoming a skeptic.
knowing that God can do miracles for others.
but when it comes to me,
I doubt.
why do I deserve it?
punishing myself for past choices.

I am scared to hope,
because what if what I hope for,
actually happens.
and I realize I wasn't ready.
or its too overwhelming.

I am scared to hope,
but without hope,
what is there in life to keep us waking up each morning?
putting one foot in front of the other?
loving the one person before us?

Hope is what propels us to continue to seek Jesus,
His path & journey that He set us on,
created & desired for us when we were untouched by this world.
when pain & hurt had not formed us yet.

Hope is what keeps our posture,
to our ever present Help in trouble.
Hope is what keeps our eyes fixed on our Savior.
Knowing He is doing a good work in us.
sanctifying us.
pruning off the dead abandoned fruit of our past,
and nourishing the buds of future fruit
for us to share.

As the heaviness slowly melts off my shoulders
as I worship and give praise to Jesus this morning.
for the sunshine that is making its way to greet earth.
for the hope that He is working.
He is speaking.
He is connecting dots.
Today I may not fully fall into hopes arms.
But that is the beauty of grace.
it keeps calling you back.
asking you, "today, will you fully place your trust and hope in me?"

we have that chance.
are you going to take it?

Hope.
putting your faith into someone or something unknown.
how scary.
yet what a beautiful picture of faith.
we don't deserve it.
but who are we without it?


This song, I have been allowing my heart to mediate on it.
Letting the truth of WHO God is envelope me.
He is giving me new memories.
Because He gives me His whole heart.

In Christ's hope filled love,
Emily Elizabeth