Dead and Gone.

I've been travelin' on this road to long 

Just tryna find my way back home

The old me is DEAD and GONE, dead and gone

~ Justin Timberlake

I love JT. duh and these words finally fit to my life. 

* just a heads up this might be a long post : ) 

I asked God to come into my life when I was around 8 years old. With a child like faith I never really understood what it meant to truly have Christ lead my life. To die to self. To put on His full armor. 

High school was my "road" that I was traveling on for way way too long. It kept going, or more like I kept choosing to walk on it. My choices, my bad choices that kept chiseling away at my heart, my confidence & my relationship with God stayed right there on my chain that was dragging my feet down to being completely free, completely healed. 


I keep asking myself why is it so hard for me to shed the identity that used to be me. The identity I still think I needed from who I was, before I completely gave my life up to follow Christ. Its a comfort I think us human beings desire as when we go through seasons in our life, especially ones where we are making choices that leave us empty, that we get stuck with the thinking that that identity is the only one and we will never change. Those people we associated ourselves with, we think are the only ones who will accept us. We are just so used to those choices & lifestyle that anything out of that habitual ordinary is completely different and feels foreign to us. 

yet Jesus freely gives us His grace, mercy, reconciliation, 

a chance at a new life in Him. 

We take that plunge, say good bye to our old ways and start fresh. 
Yet I found old habits and memories peek back through the new layer of life that I had. 
My life with Jesus 100% surrendered is beautiful. don't get me wrong. I am thankful that He never gave up on me and kept reaching for my hand during those lost & lonely years. 
But this last year has been hard. Hard reaching back and pulling out the books of my past that I wanted to keep tucked away and buried. To never remember. Leave behind with the girl that I used to be. 
It was in those moments that I found a healing beyond words. A valley finally being filled with refreshing serenity between who I was and who God desired and honestly I desired to be. Those surreal moments of realization that my identity is not that girl who tried to fit in, do what everyone else was doing & make irrational decisions that were detrimental to my life. That my identity, now is in Him who gave me this second chance. A chance to push the redo button. Not just to redo everything from my past but to learn and grow from those years of wandering and find an everlasting peace.

It has taken me to get where I am by allowing God to break me down, break the barriers & the thought of who I should be. To slowly shut out what social media screams at us girls & women to be. That we will only be noticed if we show more and more skin. If we take that extra drink just to put us over the edge of being vulnerable. The size of our clothes determine our beauty.

>> Yes, I have struggled a lot with my body. And I am still getting to that point of complete confidence. I will NEVER be a size 2 ( my sister got that body) I am my dads build. No hips, bubble butt and broad shoulders. Some days I would admit that I had a slight eating disorder in certain ways yet nothing to EVER put me over the edge because I LOVE FOOD && cooking it. I don't want to blame media but I used to love my body when I spent hours in the pool. I was strong & healthy and felt amazing when I was swimmer, but pictures have gotten into that part of my mind that keep reeling me back to what a 23 year old girl who is successful "should" look like. Who am I kidding. I am successful in ways that had nothing to do with my body.  I am finally not trying to be like everyone else because honestly, sticking out is better then blending in. 

So with that my body is a temple that I need to take care of, given to me by my Heavenly Father. I will continue to nourish it & keep it healthy because we were told to take care of our one and only earthly body. And this girl wants to live long so I can hold my grand babies, travel the world & love as many people as possible. 

--> Here <-- is a wonderful read about body image & social media that Ann Vosckamp wrote to all women. 

This has been a HUGE hurdle for me to overcome. I know that true confidence and beauty come from inside, from my heart that is continually changing and growing into a heart that will just want to love in complete confidence . 

So there is a part of my heart that is receiving healing as we speak ( I did body pump yesterday with my sister and I can barely walk today but it feels so good to get back to the gym and finally have my outlet back to relieve stress & sweat. oh wait I already do sweat all the time. psych  )


>> While I was in Haiti, I hopped back on the saddle and went on a few dates with someone who has a beautiful heart for his country esp the children which is why I was so attracted to him. Through the few months of spending time with him, laughing & getting to see Haiti in a different way, God used him to heal me from a past relationship that left me so broken.  I kept finding myself reverting back to past habits that left me feeling not myself and not glorifying God in this relationship the way I desired to. I gave myself a slap in the face and reminded myself that I am worthy of love from a man for who God has created me to be. That I don't need to change who I am or try to be someone else for a mans affections & attention. (ps I am going to the Philippines as a single girl, long distance does not sound fun and I realized that cross cultural relationships might not be for me ) 

I have grown, moved on & forgiven myself for what God has already forgiven me for. I have to always keep reminding myself that once I ask for forgiveness that God doesnt dwell on it or think about it so why should I?

" I-yes, I alone- will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again." Isaiah 43:25

I am thankful for the relationships I have had in my life as they have given me a connection between girls who have found or find themselves in the same unhealthy relationship that I had. To be able to see where we let our guard down, given over control to the wrong person & damaging habits. I desire to come along side these girls and show them what true love is, a love that doesn't hurt, doesn't break & doesn't control negatively. One day. I pray one day I can be a mentor in this way. 


I will say it has been incredibly hard seeing so many people get engaged and married. Starting families & this next chapter that I do desire. I will be gone for a few years and who knows what God has planned for me in that department but am becoming satisfied with falling in love with Jesus more and understanding fully how much He loves me before I can truly love one of His sons that He has for me. I want my Savior to trust me with His son, that I can love him and cherish him in every way possible. I don't want to let Him down as I want to know that everyday with my husband is a gift from our Lord. 

{{ A dear friend told me one day while soaking up the sun at the most beautiful beach I have been to in Haiti, : ) 
Fall in love with Jesus first, truly seek what it means to love Him and receive His love completely. Then you will be able to love your future husband in the way we were created to love & be loved. }}

I am holding these words close to my heart. Searching for God in more ways ever imagined. Letting Him be the love of my life as we go on this incredible journey together that He has picked for my life. 

I want to be a mom more then anything. This won't be happening for a while but He has already gifted me with SO many beautiful children that fill my heart with joy. My girls that I nannied who I call my own, the children in Haiti that I miss so dearly & now the children that I will be help delivering and bringing into this world. 

Beyond blessed. 

I hope I will be a mom one day, and all these kids will have helped shape me into being the best mother that I can be. To love so purely & cherish every moment with my future children. I am thankful for all the diapers I have changed, the millions of spills I have cleaned up, dancing as no one was watching, tears that have been shed on my shoulders, the memories and the most beautiful smiles that fill my mind daily. 

I am growing up. Moving on. and living this life that God has designed for me. 
I still have lots of growing, healing and digging to do. But now I want to do it with God. 
I want His help. I want to learn to love my heart, soul & body the right way. 

Some days it pains me to know that my sweet girls & nieces are growing up in this world. My heart breaks for what their fragile minds will be flooded with by the celebrities & culture. I hope one day they will read this and know that these words from my heart were meant for their ears. 

To Morgan, Alexandra, Alicia, Annabel, Anna, Lauren, My girls in Haiti, My future daughters, My future girls in this world, 

I want YOU, my sweet girl to know that God loves YOU for exactly who YOU are, whether you are bruised, broken and hurt. You ARE beautiful. You ARE cherished by many. You ARE smart & capable of anything you put your mind to. You have amazing support and you will ALWAYS have me to come to in times when you have no where to turn. My arms will ALWAYS be open and my shoulder will ALWAYS be the perfect tissue for your tears to land on. I am BEYOND grateful to have your sweet smile in my life and I want you to know that I treasure our memories we have together and I treasure you as my girl who I hold close to my heart. I am SO proud of the woman you are becoming and can't wait to see that beautiful heart of yours burst with those around you & see how you conquer this world. I pray that you will seek out a relationship with God and He will be the love of your life, guiding you on your very own adventure. I pray that He will use you in ways never imagined and with that you will find value and beauty and complete satisfaction in Him and Him only. You make me smile. You make me cry tears of utter joy. You make me the most grateful woman in the world to be apart of your life. 
I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. 
In Christ's steadfast love,
Emmy, Mommy, Auntie

Life is a journey. 
I like to say life is an adventure. 
I have gone from one place to another. Each and every time, growing and being molded into a woman who loves to love. 
Why settle down when you can discover the millions of beautiful creations that God created just for us to seek out. 
To come closer to Him in those moments we stumble into complete awe of learning one more thing about how much He really does love us. 

>> I am thankful for the people who have helped me get to where I am. Lifting me up in prayer, filling my life with encouragement & putting color into each new chapter of my adventures. <<

I love you. I cherish you. I pray that I can love you deeper, encourage you in times of doubt, & be that friend who you think of to call who lives across the world. 

To everyone who reads this. Open your hearts to Christ. To His desire for your life's book. Let Him in and change you, grow you & heal you. Whether you have an intimate relationship with Him or not, know that He is One who will NEVER stop loving you, NEVER give up on you & NEVER leave you to journey through this life alone. 
I pray that you will come to find this peace & healing one day, and will be able to say confidently with joy and praise that you have been saved by the One who created you. That you are in love and loved by the Prince of Peace, King of Kings, the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. the Savior of this World. 

[[ I FINALLY am closing the long chapter of my life before Christ completely entered my life last February. I may still have a child like faith but now a faith that defines who I am and what I do. The old me is dead, gone and NOT coming back. It will continually be a struggle but with God right next to me & a prayer away I know that I am SO SO ready to move on. To be molded into the woman He has created me to become. Thank goodness He put a little crazy into the mix. These words written here, from my heart, have brought a closure that was LONG overdue. Finally facing the truth that was so apparent in my life that I needed to give up holding on to someone who I hardly know anymore to allow me to welcome with gratefulness , Emily Elizabeth Schoneman --> daughter of The Most High. Servant to His orphans and widows. Lover of loving others : ) Healed & SO eager for a new adventure that is right around the corner. ]]

The Philippines. I am ready to see what God has planned for my life, my next chapter & what growth (that I now welcome openly) He is planning for me. I CANT WAIT to bring His children into this world, to pray over them and tell them how much they are loved. 

" But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the world assigned me by the Lord Jesus- the world of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God." Acts 20:24

In Christ's Love
Emily Elizabeth




PS. observed my first birth. it was BEAUTIFUL and incredible how, POP there is another human being in the room. I had to hold back my tears. was reaffirmed that this is exactly what God wants me to do because I didn't faint or get queazy. It was amazing && I can't wait to get to school and catch some babies myself!

Mosquitos.

USA vs Haiti

Mosquitos are just as annoying here as they are in Haiti. except now I don't have to worry about getting the Chimichanga virus. 

Everything here is automatic. The airport especially. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic toilets. Automatic dryers. Automatic ticket printers.

>>> Cant do anything for myself anymore I guess? 

The weather is indecisive from 50 degrees to 90, clearly summer is still not here yet. In Haiti its the same almost everyday. Hot, Hotter, Hotter & dusty. 

SO MANY FOOD CHOICES ----- no more mangos, pineapples & fried plantains. : ( 

24 hour power, hot water & AC. 

>>> took me a while to stop waking up with the first thought of "is the city power on?"

I AM ALWAYS FREEEEEZING. 

which I didn't pack any warm clothes. 

I love being able to come back stateside, enjoy a few luxuries ( getting a mani/pedi was heavenly && I have never felt more feminine wearing high heels & fake eyelashes ), spending precious time with my families, & creating memories that I will take with me to the Philippines. 

I miss Haiti. 

I find myself holding back tears. 

I am thankful that I have such a yearning to live outside of the states. 

but knowing that I have amazing people stateside who I can visit && make me feel right at home is a wonderful feeling. 

These last 2 weeks have been CRAZY as I was literally in the air for about 5 days straight it felt like. 

- My cousins wedding was BEAUTIFUL. A wonderful time to spend with family. I got to be a florist again and it was a wonderful feeling to know I didn't lose my creative side. Learned to swing dance, drove for the first time in 6 months ( it was only a 4wheeler ), went horseback riding and almost fell off about 5 times. 

- Was surprised with a secret wedding the day after I landed in MN. My "adoptive family" Mary, Scot & Jen have been planning a surprise wedding and it brought me to tears when they asked me if I would stand up with them. It was a beautiful small ceremony with just the 4 of us and the judge followed by the most amazing food. Blessed to have them in my life and I wish Mary & Scot years of beautiful memories and growing love. 

- Surprised Morgan and Alex. As I was hiding the first thing Morgan said as she walked through the door " I wanna see Emmy, is she here yet?" Alex " EMMYYYYYYYY YOUR HERE!!" I didn't want to put my girls down. Their smiles melt my heart. They have grown up SO much in the last year and I am more and more proud of them everyday. 

- Quick trip to the cabin which reminded me of how beautiful this state is. The sunset on the lake as we cruised around on a pontoon that was as fast as a speed boat brought back memories from my life growing up here. I am thankful that I grew up here. 

- fed a baby cow with the BIGGEST bottle I have ever seen, held a chicken & desired for a moment to live on a farm.           (which was short lived)

- Cuddling Morgan, Alexandra & Connor is something I will always crave & am thankful that I have these sweet hearts in my life. 

- Girl time with Krista is something that I can never replace. I am thankful for her friendship, love & support. 

- Dancing for about 2 hours, playing skip-bo, and the sight of Chad & Kevin wearing a tiara will forever be known as a wonderful night : ) 

 

These are just some of my special moments of this summer and there are many more to come. I am beyond thankful that I am able to visit my families & friends before I leave for school. 

That length of time is not going to be easy. >> Thank goodness for Skype  

>>> Everyone keeps asking me if I loved living in Haiti & why. 

something that is still so hard to explain because it is deep in my heart & there are SO many reason why I love that place. 

God is preparing me for the Philippines as everyone who has been there keeps telling me its beautiful, I will love it and this excites me. 

Tomorrow I am doing an 8 hour shift shadowing a midwife at the 

University of MN hospital in the labor & delivery unit.

I am nervous yet SO excited to see the beginning of what my life is going to look like. just in a different setting. 

I have a few days left in MN. Thursday I fly back to Kansas City. 

These last 2 weeks have flown by and I have regretfully spent very little time with God. I feel a vast emptiness when I don't spend time with Him, Praising Him and giving Him thankfulness. 

{{ Its amazing how so quickly we forget something that we desire so immensely. 

Why do we get so wrapped up in our lives and forget to spend time with the One who gave us this life? }}

He is so good to us through His Grace. which I feel so selfish sometimes that I throw it around like its nothing.

I think for myself I have realized that I need healthy community to be with for longer then a few months more then ever. To be surrounded by those who desire to grow in their relationship with God. 

I have moved around SO much and have amazing individuals & families in my life, don't get me wrong I am so thankful for them. Its me who moves, and stops that personal community & relational growth because of my never ending eagerness to not settle down even though I would really like to. 

>>> with that I am sorry to those who feel I am always leaving. It is not you at all. Its me and my emotions when I don't like what I am doing to move and make a change. This has got me into trouble but also been a blessing as God used it for good in bringing certain people into my life who will forever be apart of my future. <<<

Living in the Philippines will be a test of my "settling down" in a way as I will be there for over 2 years. The longest time I have been in one place in the last 5 years. 

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

Being surrounded by other women who are learning the same skills will help incredibly. 

I know I will have good days and bad days. But these memories I have from these last few years will carry me through. 

Those sweet faces back in Haiti will give me that extra push to get back there and be a midwife to those women.

My family & friends words and encouragement will carry me through those times of weakness. 

I am going to be leaning on Gods strength in new ways that I haven't even experienced yet. 

I can't wait for these next 2 months. The memories, laughs 

& moments of pure thankfulness. 

In Christ's Love & Grace

Emily Elizabeth

 ** Its fathers day so SHOUT OUT to my amazing daddy-o. I am beyond blessed to be his daughter. I would not be where I am today without his millions of prayers & never ending love. I am blessed to have so many memories with him from around the world. Scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef, Moto rides through Port au Prince, & surfing in Hawaii together. I love that God has given us the same heart for Haiti & I can't wait to serve there together. My dad has never given up on my through the years where I struggled. He is an amazing dad to me, my sister & brother. An amazing Opa & husband. I pray that one day my husband will be a great father to my kids the way you are to us dad. I love you.