bitter.

Didn't know if I should write this blog or not. 
but I want to be honest with my emotions. or the confusion of emotions that I am feeling or not feeling. 

I have less then a week left in Haiti. 
This sunday was Haitian mothers day. 
I had SUCH a bitter attitude. 

I don't want to move across the world. 
I don't want to pick my life up again when I desire to build community here in Haiti. 
I don't want to face the fact that what I desire, more then anything, is to be a wife & mother and that is not going to happen anytime soon. 
I don't want to go out of my box and do things that I have no clue about. 

I want a "normal" life. 

yet I laugh when I think what is really normal? 

I honestly don't want a normal life, that doesn't fit me when I think about where I have been and what I have gone through.

I have NEVER done anything normal. So why start now?

I want to live on the edge, learn new things about myself & this world, new cultures, new cities, new relationships. 

Rely fully on Christ. 

THAT excites me. That makes me want to NEVER settle down and to continue to expand my knowledge of this world and life with Christ at the center. 

With that bitterness I felt such an immense joy and peace in knowing that I really am following the Lord and what He desires for my life. 
because I would have never chosen this for me. never desired this for my life. 

He knows what He is doing. This I feel is learning to be selfless. To desire what God wants for my life & how He plans to use me. 

NOT what I think I want or is best for my life. 
( looking back whenever I thought what was right for me clearly wasn't in His cards) 

I am learning what it really means to "die to self"
Giving up control. Letting go. Living. 

"And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it." Luke 9:23-24

I followed Him to Australia, Haiti, now to the Philippines. 
My life is in His hands, I honestly hope that He will bring me to many other places in my future. 


{{ For school I am reading a book about a little Hmong girl who has epilepsy. I am learning about a whole new culture through each page. 
These words caught me. This is the little girls mothers answer when asked if she missed Loas ( They were relocated to Merced, California) 

" When you think about Loas and about not having enough food and those dirty and torn-up clothes, you don't want to think. Here is a great country. You are comfortable. You have something to eat. But you don't speak the language. You depend on other people for welfare. If they don't give you money you can't eat, and you would die of hunger. What I miss in Loas is that free spirit, doing what you want to do. You own your own fields, your own rice, your own plants, your own fruit trees. I miss that feeling of freeness. I miss having something that really belongs to me." 
                            The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down - Anne Fadiman }}




To me. "having something that really belongs to me" is midwifery. It is something that I can be proud of. It is a way for me to serve others while glorifying God for Him desiring this set of skills for my life. 

The freedom is being open to change in my life, seeking God and His plans. Freedom to make my own choices or seek out Gods. To see my life change in how I choose things and how I pursue finding God's perfect path, not mine. 

My relationship with God. Making mistakes, learning from them and the free gift of grace. 

My heart beats with pure joy. 

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." John 12:24

People ask if I am ready to come home. If I will miss Haiti. 

Yes, I will miss Haiti. But Yes, I am ready to see my family, my friends, for organization. I am burnt out from Haiti, not because I have been busy because honestly I haven't been. That is exactly what I am burnt out from.

Not having something to put all my energy, passion & focus towards. 

These last 6 months I would describe them as immense growth in my relationship with God. To understand what it means to follow Him. Learning to truly pursue & fall in love with the Creator of this world. A time that God wanted to capture all my attention, healing from past hurt, being lost & confusion. Opening my eyes to what He wants for my life and how I am to get there. 

A time to fall truly, deeply, madly in love. 


"Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6

I am thankful for this life. For Haiti. For family. For forgiveness. For growth. For adventure. For relationships. For time. For education. For memories. For travel. For cultures. For missions. For freedom. For relentless love. 

>>>> USA. I will see you next monday. <<<<




In Christ's Love
Emily Elizabeth

Two. Weeks. Left.

seriously?

I have 2 weeks left!

This time in 2 weeks I will be on a plane starting my summer traveling adventures. 

Kinda stressed. This is my itinerary for the next 2 1/2 months until I leave for the Philippines. 

Port au Prince -> Dallas -> Kansas City -> Billings -> Msp/St Paul -> Kansas City -> Marianna FL -> Kansas City -> Dallas -> San Diego -> DAVAO PHILIPPINES

Yes. There will be lots of time spent in airports & airplanes but I have 9 books that need to be read for school so I guess I will be a book worm : )

These last 14 days left on this island I am spending helping out my dear friends with their guest house. They are in the states and so I am here cooking for the teams that are serving in Haiti! Next week there will be 13 men here eeeeek. I am making Erin stay with me : ) 

>>>>>   Its been fun cooking. Trying new recipes. & having fellowship.   <<<<<

I am spoiled since they have a pool so while the team is out I soak up some sun : ) 

I don't really know what to feel yet. Am I sad, anxious, excited? 

Pretty much I go from one end of the scale to the other daily. 

All I know is it won't hit me until I am sitting on the plane flying to Miami that I won't be back here for a while.

I am ready for this new adventure. 

I am ready to go back to school and learn valuable skills for my future. 

I am ready to see my family & friends. 

I am ready for frozen yogurt, kale smoothies && some nepali food : ) 

Yesterday my mom informed me that two of her friends from their neighborhood are going to gift me with the funds for my books needed for school. When I read that message I started to cry. The books I need are not cheap at all. I have been surrendering my finances up go God for school as not having a "job" with a paycheck monthly has been hard to save money since living in Haiti does not come cheap either. 

In February I did a fundraiser to raise money for midwifery classes that I was going to do online. Since that isn't happening anymore, the funds that were given so generously will be going towards school supplies & tuition for my schooling in the Philippines. I want to say THANK YOU again for all of you who gave a financial gift towards my future. 

I trust God. This is His plan for my life. 

He won't leave me hangin now I hope. 

SO looking forward to seeing familiar faces & people that I love dearly. 

But I know that I am going to go through some major culture shock. 

I have no clue when I will be back on this beautiful island. I look forward to that day. But I am excited to see how God is going to lay out connections & experiences before me in this journey. 

I have been reading the book of Acts and seeing what being BOLD for God looks like in my life & how I can grow deeper in my faith. I think going to the Philippines and being able to actively show Gods love everyday in school will help along with spending time with the girls who are on this same walk in midwifery. I crave to know more and can't wait to delve deeper into my relationship and learn from my sisters in Christ. 

" And now, O Lord, hear their threats, and give us, your servants, great BOLDNESS in preaching your word. Stretch out your hand with healing power;  may miraculous signs and wonders be done through the name of your holy servant Jesus." Acts 4:29-30

In Christ's Love
Emily Elizabeth

** would LOVE to see as many people as I can when I am home this summer. Lets set up a frozen yogurt date if ya want : )

Prayers Requests:
~ Peace & memories for these last two weeks spent in Haiti
~ Safe travels over the summer
~ Monthly Financial support for school the next 2 1/2 years
~ Health for those in Haiti that have been affected by the new virus that I like to call the Chimichanga virus

thank you mom.

Its been a while since I sat down to write.

its a beautiful day in Haiti. sitting outside. enjoying the shade and refreshing breeze. worship music. His Word. 
(and day 3 of detoxing : / craving fried plantains ) 

God blesses me to much with days like this to just spend time with Him. 
It won't be like this to much longer. 
I keep reminding myself I will soon be a student. busy. classes. reading. studying. delivering babies. learning from amazing women. 

This last Sunday was mothers day and I can't stop thinking about all the passionate, amazing, role models I have in my life who I call my mothers, sisters, best friends & sisters in Christ. 

I wouldnt be where I am today without these amazing women in my life. 
I wouldnt be going down a path that serves women in the most amazing experiences of their lives that only we were created for if it weren't for those women God has brought in my life. 

God has equipped us to nurture. 
To be emotional (sometimes too much) 
To support those around us. 

To live life as a community of women supporting each other in this fallen world. To lift each other up when times get hard. When we feel like everything is falling apart. To have a sister, a best friend, a mother to open up completely and trust is truly a gift from God. 

I am beyond blessed. 
To have women all over the world that I love and support and have that reciprocated back to me. 

Thank you Mom. 
For loving every single part of who I am. From loving me the moment you desired a third child. Being my biggest fan & sitting countless hours in hot pool decks & knoxing my hair for those million synchro meets. Putting up with my stubbornness through those dark days of my life and always making sure that I was okay. Gifting me with space when I lived across the world yet we both know how much I missed our long walks & nights with a glass of wine and our tv shows. Your countless prayers for safety as I live my life in a third world country.  And now your never ending support that strengthens me with this new chapter in moving back across the world and pursuing midwifery. Your journey of life has inspired me in more ways then you will ever know and I hope that one day when I have a child of my own that I will make you proud and love my babies purely as you have loved me. I thank you for never giving up on me. 

The women who I find my heart yearning to be in fellowship with, to laugh with, spend sweet sweet moments with, I couldn't be more thankful to look up to you all and have you as role models in my life. There are so many amazing women God has brought into my life and I want to say thank you to these who have loved me in ways I will never understand and pray that I have loved you back in the same way. 


I want to shout praises of joy whenever I think of how I will be living out the rest of my life, by women's sides during a time where there is so much pain and exhaustion yet so much joy and incomprehensible feelings of love for a child who is just starting their life. 


I can't wait to be a support in this way. To empower women in a simple yet greatly needed way. To use what I have felt & learned from those women in my life and pour it on those that will come my way. 

Something so special to be able to come together as women and have a bond that only we could ever know. 

To those women in my life, 
Thank you.
You enrich my life. You expand my heart. You build me up. 

 In Christ's Love
Emily Elizabeth



 

Prayer Requests:

- That God will be apparent in every moment that I have these last 3 weeks in Haiti.
- For safe travels this summer as I will be traveling to several different places
- For continual financial support while in school 
- A prepared heart for everything that will be new to me in school & the Philippines

HELP ME.
I am in need/needing a few things for school. If you or you know anyone who would be willing to donate: 
Stethoscope, Fetal Heart Doppler, Blood Pressure cuff
                                               Please email me or let me know. Thank you thank you thank you
also I am required to observe 5 out of hospital births & 2 hospital births but it is becoming very difficult to find a midwife that will allow me to come and observe. If you know of any midwives, doulas or OBGYNS that you could connect me with, it would be much appreciated. Thankful for my connections : ) 

ALSO I would LOVE to connect with people while I am in the states this summer. I will be in Minnesota, Kansas City, Texas and Florida. Coffee or Frozen yogurt date would be lovely! 
Let me know as I will miss everyone dearly for the next 2 1/2 years!