Beaten Down.

Healing.
its exhausting.
it is one of those things I feel like is never ending.
always reviving past memories, emotions, hurt, anger, pain.

5 years.
experiencing the hurt my heart has endured.
from being torn down.
being examined.
by those placed in authority over me.
determining that who I am is not good enough.
the woman God has created me to be.
does not fit their "environment"
their ministry.
their "way of life"

Satan has a way of feeding lies.
in places you would least expect.
using people who you should trust.
seek wise counsel from.
&& who you can be vulnerable without judgement

Yet those handful of people who have been placed in my life in that way.
Broke me the most.
Made me feel devalued.
not good enough.
a flawed woman, christian, midwife.
human being.
That my individuality was not welcomed.
the gifts God has given me not valued.
The encouragement to pursue Christ, missing.

Maybe it was because I was too independent.
I had God given direction.
I experienced a lot of life on my own already.
Lived in foreign countries.
3rd world countries.
Have a vibrancy && joy for life.
Following God to the beat of His drum.
Apparently threatened that I am strong in several ways.
I have tattoos and piercings.
and God-forbid, a womans body.

Cutting away through the lies and over-growth.
has been challenging and taken time.
its courage & the knowing of what unknown will be brought up.

why do we let these lies seep into our hearts and take root?
even when we know they are not truth?

I am a stronger woman today.
My faith is rooted deeper in Christ and His truths.
I have learned to run to The Word.
To comfort my heart and let it be flooded with acceptance.
My identity to be formed daily by the Words of Jesus.
He is my defender.

So if anyone has experienced this in the world,
which I am sure all of us have.
Run to Jesus.
Find truth in His Word.
Let Him reveal to your heart your value and worth.
And know that we can only ever trust in Him.
Cause He is perfect, true, righteous, loving, holy && so much more.

I am sorry that you have been hurt by other Christians who have been put in authority over you.
We are all in our own seasons and don't know what one another is going through.
But that doesn't give them right to break you down, make you feel so small and so insignificant.
Jesus came to teach us to love one another.
And I believe we are failing miserably at that in so many ways.

We as a Body of Christ should be lifting each other up.
no matter what background, ethnicity, culture, language, birth place, family or struggles we have been through.

One thing I have learned through this all,
If God desires for me to have a ministry one day, which I hope He does,
Is how to not treat those who come to volunteer, work and pour into those we are ministering to,
more importantly, how to live in healthy community,
and how to NOT treat someone.
Lets Encourage our brothers and sisters in Christ to keep going.
Even more, those who don't know Jesus,
Cause that is where they will see a difference in us and that seed will be planted.
That there will always be good days and bad days.
But in the end.
We are told to.

"Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who love another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, "you shall not commit adultery, you shall not murder, you shall not steal, you shall not covet," and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no wrong to a neighbor, therefore love is the fulfilling of the law." Romans 13:8-10

So if you are loving genuinely and wholeheartedly those around you, your doing something right. Something that give glory to God and makes his heart full. If you have endured judgement and not love. Trust me, let it go and know that its not right and true. God will heal and bring good to it all. It may take time but He fulfills His promises to us. And living in forgiveness is so much easier then holding anger towards someone. There is an end to the storm, Jesus is holding your hand, and there will be vibrant growth that comes from this modern day persecution.

And if your being a bully. Just stop it please. We don't need anymore in this world.