Finding Purpose in Singleness.

This is a season of great 8 lengthy years. Of imperfect, cloudy patience. One of peaceful confusion. Many conversations with God where I find my voice raised a few notches. Tears. Lots of tears. Feeling the guilt of desire on my shoulders I know that's not mine to carry. And the question that weighs heavily on my heart. Why am I still in a season of singleness? This is something I cant navigate. As much as i try to surrender these emotions. Feelings. Thoughts. Desires. I fail. Every. Single. Time. Maybe this isn't something that God wants me to understand.
Maybe this is really a testing of faith in trusting God's heart.

I have said "yes" in so many ways to what God wants for me.
I know its His desires because I never desired it on my own.
He placed these passions in my heart.
He asked me to go.
He asked me to love.
In the end, He is the reason for all the places I have been & people I have met.
I feel selfish when I want something so bad for myself.
and then am just disappointed that it hasn't happen.
but i keep pressing forward. People tell me all the time, "Oh but Emily, you have traveled and done some much for a 26 year old, if you were married it would have not been that easy. Enjoy all you can right now cause things change after you have someone who puts a ring on it." Yeah okay, I agree, I LOVE that God has brought me to so many beautiful places. Australia, New Zealand, Haiti, Philippines. And yes I AM SO GRATEFUL for all the precious hearts that He brought into my life to love and be loved on by. I could never imagine that these past 8 years the adventures God had planned for me when I was 18.
And I fall further in love with the One who has called me to this life. It still surprises me every time I tell people I used to be a florist. And then Haiti found its way into my heart. But yet, I feel like all those memories would have been equally as delightful if I was able to share them with my husband. Why do things have to change when I get married? Why does all of a sudden traveling not happen? Serving others is pushed to the wayside? Life... apparently stops? It Seems to me that's what people are saying when they tell me to enjoy my singleness. I have to say my heart thinks that is BS.
Ya I only have to think about myself in ways,
But we are told to love each other and sharpen each other,
I want to sharpen my husband.
I want to be used in his life and him be used in my life. I trust that God knows my hearts desires. To travel and live overseas. Being His vessel of love to girls & women. To explore this world He created just for us. So why would He not desire a spouse with those same desires. Maybe this whole yearning is good? Or bad? All I know it its hard. Some days I have a peace about singleness. Some days I want to curl up in my bed and let bitterness overtake me. I can't help that this desire is one that is so strong. Its not who I am. Its not my identity. Yet we were created to live in relationship. With God. And with others. And that includes my future husband. Wherever in the world he is. As much as I try to live in the season I am in. To have joy. & peace. Its hard. I work with women who have what I desire. A family. A Husband. Children. All of what my heart yearns. I never wanted this responsibility that I have embraced. To be honest, being a wife and mother sounded so fantastic at 22. So yeah it is not the greatest to always be reminded, That I am alone, As in, I go home to an empty house and wake up all by myself. People getting engaged, married & pregnant Being thrown in my face on social media. IT SUCKS. And I do trust God has the most amazing man for me. One who will love my quirkiness. Pursue my heart. Be a vessel of love to those cultures we find ourselves in. Be my travel partner. And lift heavy weights with me. It will happen. Just getting a little impatient over here. This season of navigating all God desires for me. Becoming a midwife. Finding my passion in connecting that with girls who are sex trafficked. Finding crossfit & the community that feeds my soul of self confidence. Being a light of laughter to hearts. Yeah its been a season of great memories & joy. And i try to remind myself that there is so much more. But we all know there are days we just don't get it. And I am learning that that's okay. That's where my faith is refined. My joy is sought only from God. That Jesus can only truly fill this unmet desire. Its okay to be mad and tell God the not so happy words of my heart.
its okay to have days not filled with natural joy.
I think the thing I need to get better at,
is giving thanks in all things,
the good && the bad.
because God loves praise.
And I just want to make Him proud of me. Because, He wants us to bring Him into every situation. To include Him in our life. And so I bring Him into my season of singleness. Into the good & bad days. The laughter & tears. In the end. I will be okay. As long as I put one foot in front of the other. And open my eyes to what He wants for me now. Which isn't always that easy to do. The relationships I do have. How to pour into them. Bring joy. && laughter. Because I know that is one of my many gifts. So to all my single ladies. Its okay to not be okay with being single. If that makes sense. You are chosen for greatness & for a special special hunk. And I encourage you to remember... Men need refining to, God is refining your husband. Pursuing His heart and equipping him. This time apart is time of falling further in love with Christ. As that is what I pray for when I pray for my husband. That He is chasing after God, storing His Word in his heart & his calling is becoming full of clarity to him. And to all you who are married. Can I ask that you think twice before you tell us single gals, "Oh enjoy your singleness, you can do things now you wont be able to when married" Because this hurts. It may be true. But its not necessary. You can't suppress the desire to be married in our hearts. You cant persuade us that being single is full of freedom. It is something that God has placed there. Encourage us to fall in love with Jesus more. So that we will not forget who our first Love is. && When we meet our hubs. We will be Jesus to him just as much as he is to us. So, single I am. Single I have been. But single is not who I will always be. Praise the Lord. In the waiting, there will be mountains and valleys. But to my husband, Whoever and wherever he is. I promise you that I will love you to the best of my ability. That I will radiate Christ's love && grace as much as I can to you. That my heart will fall further in love with you, But more importantly in love with God. I will fail miserably. But at least I will have you to fail miserably with. And just a hint,
If your reading this, which would be a miracle in its own && of course God. Lifting weights, peanut butter & a good ROMWOD will never disappoint this woman. In Christ's perfect love, Emily Elizabeth.